Gone are the days when I’d challenge myself to become fitter, more adventurous, or whatever it is that I normally would state as my new year’s resolution. This year, I am making a commitment to choose peace, all the time.
Oof! Just typing it almost makes me want to back out. You see, I’m a Type A, Pisces, and ENFJ (previously ENTJ) which in itself already brings up a lot of issues. For those who doesn’t give a crap about psychology tests and zodiacs, it essentially means that I’m competitive, idealistic, and sensitive. But still, I am making this commitment. I know I can do this!
Before you even roll your eyes at my ambitious new year’s resolution, let’s define inner peace in this context first. To me, it’s letting go of unnecessary anger, frustration, and hatred brought about by unmet expectations, difference in personalities and preference—essentially, things that I cannot possibly control. Emphasis on ‘unnecessary’ as I do not plan on becoming a pushover any time soon.
Ok, going back.
It is a big understatement to say that 2020 has been eventful, and at the same time it’s not. I, for one, went through a maze of emotions. I tried to find a way out of the maze by focusing on tasks that would only require the rational side of my brain—work and routine. And much like how you would feel when lost in a maze, it left me confused and tired.
At the end of most days, I found myself drained because of the things that went wrong during the day—be it in work, the food I was cooking got burnt, my workout was unbelievably difficult, etc. I didn’t let it out much though, I kept most of that negative energy inside which I think was also the reason why I felt drained. I thought that I had to handle it on my own so as not to cause inconvenience to others.
What’s stopping me from attaining inner peace then?
Myself.
I trapped myself in the Bad Place. No, I’m not talking about Melbourne, obviously! I’m referring to the Bad Place—hell. A book called ‘The Four Agreements’ by Don Miguel Ruiz made a good point as to how exactly I’m doing this.
The book is about two things: freeing yourself from the bad place by auditing your agreements, and how to attain inner peace. Ruiz explained that in order to free ourselves from the things that make us unhappy, we must first identify the ‘agreements’ that causes this. Agreements, in this context, refers to the opinions of other people presented to us as ‘truths’. These truths imposed to us vary from religious beliefs, talents, skills, and characteristics. It defines who we think are; what you side we think we can show to others, and which side we believe only reveal to a few or keep as a secret (maybe even to yourself.) It is because of these truths we agreed to that we find ourselves trapped in unhappy situations. The solution is to disagree and chuck those old agreements that does not make you happy, then agree on new ones that will bring you peace.
Among many other things that interrupts my inner peace, an example would be this—my writing. I have always believed that I’m not a good writer. And while, it didn’t stop me from working in Public Relations, and even starting this blog—I still can’t move past this ‘agreement.’ It is because of this that since my last entry, I didn’t attempt to write anything else. I even considered deleting my page.
Despite the support that you’ve all been giving me, I started questioning my ‘authority’ to even write. It caused me to feel unworthy of doing this—this simple thing that I had just found the courage to do.
I have been brutally cruel to myself, I realized. So what if I’m actually bad at writing? Why must I deprive myself of this creative outlet? I’ll keep doing it because it makes me happy, plus, I see that there’s a few people who can actually relate to my entries—that’s the goal anyway!
The book helped me realize that the hell I created myself is rooted on my lack of self-love. Picture this, if your garden is filled with garbage, it doesn’t matter how many seeds you buy or even how low maintenance the plant is; nothing will grow because the foundation in itself is poisoned. But, if you lay a healthy soil, your seeds will bloom to become beautiful flowers. No matter how slow the process may be, it will bloom.
Cleaning out all the garbage in my garden will not be an easy task, but I’m up for that challenge! It’s about time that I cultivate a garden that’s conducive for love, kindness, and peace—all the things I want you, my friends, to have. I need to walk out of this hell and truly start living my best life yet!
Much like for myself, it’s never too late to change habits that only causes you harm and pain. Aside from my insecurity in writing, I know I have a few more habits and traits that I need to change. I’m hoping that by following these four agreements, I can slowly cultivate a garden filled with daises and other pretty flowers.
1. Be impeccable with your words – Mean what you say, and avoid speaking ill of others especially in the form of gossiping. It also calls for you to speak kindly to yourself and about yourself.
2. Don’t take anything personally – The things that people do or say are not about you, no matter how direct it may be.
3. Don’t make assumptions – You shouldn’t expect people to know what you want or need, if you don’t speak up. And vice versa.
4. Always do your best – By following this, you are forced to strive in following the first three agreements. If in your heart, you know you’ve done your best, then you can rest well at night knowing that you are working hard to become better.
We all have demons and monsters beneath our beds that is keeping us up at night. It doesn’t matter how small or big you think it is, the fact that you feel unhappy because of it, is enough to prompt some action. Why don’t you join me in a commitment to grow some flowers whilst we walk around our maze?
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all!