Motive and manner are two things that separates heroes and villains. Motive pertains to one’s reason for doing something; their desires, while manner refers to the way the motive is acted upon. Both heroes and villains have a strong belief or view of the society and how it should be, and they’re both determined to do something to make things ‘right.’
Let’s use Avengers as an example. Thanos believed that the only way to save humanity is to snap half the population out of their existence. He believed that the only way the human race can survive is with a clean and less populated slate. The Avengers, being the heroes of the film, do not believe this. Keeping all their loved ones in mind, they believe that the human race stands a chance to become better without killing a single soul. With that, they used all their powers, literally, to stop Thanos from achieving his goal.
The Avengers and Thanos had the same motive—to save humanity—but they had very different manner of achieving it.
Identifying your motives
In the real world, no one really likes to be called a villain. Every person, no matter how cruel the act is, had a motive that they thought was decent. No one likes to be perceived as the antagonist. In fact, if we convince ourselves hard enough, any action—no matter how awful it may be—can be justified. Ask any lawyer who freed real criminals! It is possible. Our reasoning ability is one of the joys and pitfalls of being human.
That being said, it is important for you to determine your ‘why’ for doing everything that you do. Why do you speak up? Why are you leaving that comment on social media? Why are you blogging?
I consider bullies and harassers the villains in my life. That doesn’t mean I’m perfect enough to be called a hero, but we’ll get to that later. Bullies are defined as ‘a person who habitually seeks to harm or intimidate those whom they perceive as vulnerable’ while harassers are pretty much the same thing but for adults.
My motive has always been this: I want to exist in a society or reality where everyone is treated fairly. Those who give out kindness, should receive it back; while those who are cruel, deserves cruelty too.
Aligning your manner
So as a kid, the manner I used to act on my motive is to be brave; that way no one can really bully me. If they’re mean to me, I’ll just give it right back—you know, it’s like me personally delivering karma to them. The perfect example for this is one of my Tita Gina’s favourite story from my childhood. At age 6 (I think), my Tita convinced my Dad to let her shave my head because I was born with very thin hair. So I was bald at an age when every kid thinks that being anyone who looks different deserve to be made fun of.
True enough, I got teased a lot to a point where my Dad bought me hats with fake braided hair in it. One day, I was walking down the street with a handbag dangling from my arm and my fake hair swaying, then I saw that the kids are laughing at me…. so I removed the hat and chased them. They all ran to their homes screaming! They hid inside their home and didn’t go out until they’re sure I’m not waiting for them outside. (Because I did wait for a while; I only went home because I think I heard my dad is home and he’s bought a pasalubong.)
I also got to punch a boy whose three years older than me because he was teasing one of my cousins. Yeah, what a child I was.
While I still believe that those are reasonable use of my bravery, I later learned that despite self-defence being my motive, there’s a danger to using aggression as my manner. I’m not exactly treating my playmates fairly.
In high school, I eventually learned being unruly does not automatically equate to bullies. No one is entirely cruel like a villain—we have different layers. I realised that I may have crossed the border from being brave to mean by arguing with those who disagree with me or have a different perspective. Justifying what I did kept me up all night, and I didn't like it—so I changed my manner. It’s not up to me to give people the karma that I think they deserve.
Recognising other people’s motive & manner
As a young professional, I believed that if I appeal to reason and emotion, I’ll be treated with respect and fairness. But surprise! It’s not how the world works either. I remember in my early months in a Public Relations agency, we were working on a pitch with a one week lead time (the standard :D). As normal, I called for a meeting to align on the client brief, strategy, and of course—deliverables and timelines. Being in the agency for only five months then, I’m extra nervous about making things work. Nothing can go wrong, I told myself.
The day I was supposed to receive everyone’s deliverables, one of the department heads told me that the timeline I gave is impossible, and they cannot submit their slides. I was shell-shocked with anger and panic. It was already 6pm, how the hell are we supposed to pitch this incomplete deck? I spoke to my boss to ask if I can just create the slides for them and to get her opinion on the situation—if the timeline is really impossible.
“I just don’t understand why they’d tell me this when the deadline is tomorrow. Is that professional?” I said to my boss. Of course, this is not verbatim.
“Steph, you can’t expect everyone to care like you do.” She said, this one is verbatim.
I didn’t remember the pitch and all the other details but this conversation stayed with me even after six years. This made me realise that in my pursuit of abiding by my principles, I forgot to consider other people’s motives and priorities too. The things that are important to me may not be critical to them, and that’s okay because it goes vice versa. They can’t expect me to care about everything that they care about too, it wouldn’t be fair. It takes more than sincere—or even professional—communication to make other adults listen.
I’m beginning to understand that the way other people react has very little to do with you. How they perceive and treat you, depends on their own motive and manner. The best thing you can do is to ensure that your motives are clean, and your manner is one that’s with kindness. It’s not always easy, I know. I’m honestly still struggling with this, because even if I don’t want to be as cruel as a villain, I also don’t like to be a pushover.
Let’s all keep trying to find the balance by keeping our motive and manner in check. As the famous Facebook saying goes, everyone is going through something, be kind.
Just keep trying
The biggest mistake we can make is to fool ourselves that just because we got hurt or offended, we are already the hero and the other person is the villain. There are no heroes and villains in the real world. We are all humans who make mistakes, and that’s okay. There may be days when we become the bad ones in someone else’s story, and that’s okay too. As long as we are humble enough to acknowledge these imperfections, and we keep trying to be better whilst fulfilling our heart’s true motive in the best manner—we’re okay.
The examples I shared here are definitely not the worst instances (heck, I even got stabbed in the face by a boy in my 2nd grade class!) and I know that other people had it worse. It breaks my heart hearing stories of bullying or harassment. No one deserves to believe that they’re worthless.
So to you who are reading this, promise me you will keep trying to be the hero you are born to be. Learn to distinguish the noises that destroy your spirit from the cheers of the people who truly believe in you. It can be tricky, but if you listen with your heart, you will be okay.
You are full of potential; don’t let any bully make you give up from living up to it. Keep trying, will you? There are a whole bunch of us eagerly waiting for you next move. You got this.